REPO JAKE

REPO JAKE (1990) Dir - Richard Pepin and Joseph Merhi (PM)

What the? Eh? But.... Surely? What? No.....Fucking hell, No.

That, ladies and gentleman was my reaction as the credits slowly rolled.

If you file your films by genre then you may just have to develop a brand new one for this film, try - 'bad-action-chuckle brothers-bizarre-shit-racing-wank-porn-romance-shit-toss'. Or if that's too long try 'Never watch again' before slipping the disc discreetly under the wheels of an fast oncoming train.

I have no idea what was going through the producers minds whilst making this, I'm not certain they did at any point either.

This was pretty much just a COLOSSUS AND MASSIVE waste of 86 minutes of both mine and my girlfriends existence's, only improved slightly by a couple of scenes that were honestly so remarkably wank that I had a small tear in my eye, but at no point was I fully sure what emotion had truly brought it on.

The story in brief

Well, if you take a look at the front of the box you'll see our 'hero' Jake Baxter (Dan Haggerty) brandishing a double gauge shotgun and looking mighty moody. At NO fucking point does he even pick up a cunting gun, or anything remotely dangerous apart from a saucepan in a touching and shitting pointless soup eating scene! The film also has an 18 rating, which honestly is the most ridiculous thing ever, this could of easily been a 12 apart from a pointless 'greasy tits and ass' scene and a predictable b-movie shag up.

If you look at the back of the box you are promised crime lords, action, explosions, lethal car races and a scene index....None of these things actually exist.

Jake is a fat, bearded redneck fellow who has moved to California because he owes money for some reason, I dunno. Anyway he ends up a repo man and has to work with some right proper dicks apart from the 'house' rapper Jam who is brilliant (and the only reason I would ever watch this again), especially at the very end, if you can get that far!

Jake basically does nothing but repossess cars in stupid ways, including a beautiful scene where he rides on the front of a car for AAAAAAGES!

ANYWAY!

There is some car race or other that Jake enters and has to win because he needs the $75k prize money to move back home. He has a gang on his back, he falls for a girl that he meets once and.......

Ah fuck it....

It's shit. Capital S....

It has the worst soundtrack I have ever heard in any film, it has comedy that would be outright rejected by a kids TV producer for being WAY too cheesy and some absolutely amazingly pointless scenes - none more so than when we watch Jake shirt shopping......REALLY.

This film has a really big cult status according to IMDB, and I can only imagine it's because it SO bad it has to be seen for that reason.

I'd love more people to see this for how shit it is, but I do not want to be present when they watch it!

10 (and no more) things we've learnt from enduring Repo Jake

1) If you are big bad boy rapper then the music you will produce will be background porn music, obviously

2) If you are fat old bearded ugly man and you want to find a girl much younger and far too pretty for you. then rescue her hand bag from a really bad thief and wahay, instant love....

3) If you feel like chucking someone through a window and into a building but then once in there want to chuck them back out, then don't worry, the glass will re-spawn for you

4) It is possible to learn to fly a helicopter in only 2 minutes

5) You can walk straight into a high paying job if you move cities, no problem

6) If someone comes to repossess your car, simply drive straight at them, allow them to hold onto your bonnet whilst you skid about a car park for 5 minutes and then get out walk straight past and allow them to drive off with your car

7) If your girlfriend goes to get you a beer but is gone for all of one minute then she has more than likely been captured by an evil gang and is weeping with a noose around her neck and a pistol to her temple. Go and check

8) People you have worked with for about a week will gladly put there lives in danger for you if it comes to it

9) If you are attacked by a massive fat skinhead hard bastard with a crowbar then simply crouch in front of him and grab his balls, he will be rendered disabled

10) If you find yourself being invited to a 'Very Lethal Car Race' do not get excited, it's simply code for a 'really shit banger-car race'

This is the very worst film I have ever seen. FACT.

It made Sinners look like a Golden Globe winner, and a unsatisfactory turd in a shallow bowl feel like an Oscar winning all-time classic.

0.5/5 (and 0.4 is for Jam)