Sinners (1990) Dir - Charles T Kanganis
After seeing the frankly brilliant action filled trailer for this on You Tube I straight away perused Amazon and found a video (Yes, VHS) copy and bought in the exact same breath.
Surely this was the next Killing Zone! A 'CAC' (Classic Accidental Comedy). I MEAN LOOK AT THE BOX FOR SHITS SAKE! ITS A TOPLESS RIPPED PRIEST, WITH A PUMP ACTION SHOTGUN! AND A LINGERIE CLAD LADY LAY SEDUCTIVELY BY A BURNING CHURCH WINDOW! Nothing could make the box better......NOTHING.
I waited excitedly by the letter box like an excited puppy!
Surely this was the next Killing Zone! A 'CAC' (Classic Accidental Comedy). I MEAN LOOK AT THE BOX FOR SHITS SAKE! ITS A TOPLESS RIPPED PRIEST, WITH A PUMP ACTION SHOTGUN! AND A LINGERIE CLAD LADY LAY SEDUCTIVELY BY A BURNING CHURCH WINDOW! Nothing could make the box better......NOTHING.
I waited excitedly by the letter box like an excited puppy!
In truth, the front of the box is better than the film.
The back promises - Shotguns, 357 Magnum's and Car explosions. What it should have said is - INCEST, WIFE BEATING AND BOAT TRIPS.
The back promises - Shotguns, 357 Magnum's and Car explosions. What it should have said is - INCEST, WIFE BEATING AND BOAT TRIPS.
The story in brief (I think?) goes like this -
3 Men with shit Italian accents living in a small Italian neighbourhood in New York, All related in some way - One is a bad priest, one a house painter (and the gang leader) and the other is the cousin of the house painter and as far as I could tell 'a bit retarded' and constantly bullied by his always topless greasy mental wife!
All of them are vigilante's (Yes, even the bloody priest) attempting to rid the street of scum in any way, apart from killing the baddies, as that is INHUMANE.
the first BIG part of the story, which drags for absolutely fucking ages is that Joey Travolta (Yes, John's brother) is beating the shit out of his wife (usually always in a packed bar of which NO ONE ever attempts to stop) and both are going to confession with the priest in an 'attempt' to stop the frequent beatings, rather than the wife simply just leaving the dickhead. Now, the priest rather than giving impartial friendly advice is TWATTING FURIOUS with this revelation and despite supposedly being a pillar of the community, he wants revenge. Oh and he is shagging a prostitute in his spare time just in case you didn't catch on that he is a SHIT PRIEST.
The other BIG part of the story is that the retarded one starts shagging the house painters sister (in a touching rowing boat scene) and the house painter one becomes DAMN INCENSED as it turns out he LOVES his sister, and when I say LOVE I mean wants to shag, even though in every scene you see them together he appears to absolutely HATE her being around (glad I watched this and not you?)
Anyway, the retarded one stops combing the streets for scum as he wants to stay and continue incest in peace so the other two carry the flame, however the house painter becomes very depressed with losing his sister to a retard it appears and well, that's about it to be honest.......
There is one car explosion, the trailer is every action bit contained in the film and the rest is spent talking too much and ripping off Goodfella's with an apparent £30 budget.
3 Men with shit Italian accents living in a small Italian neighbourhood in New York, All related in some way - One is a bad priest, one a house painter (and the gang leader) and the other is the cousin of the house painter and as far as I could tell 'a bit retarded' and constantly bullied by his always topless greasy mental wife!
All of them are vigilante's (Yes, even the bloody priest) attempting to rid the street of scum in any way, apart from killing the baddies, as that is INHUMANE.
the first BIG part of the story, which drags for absolutely fucking ages is that Joey Travolta (Yes, John's brother) is beating the shit out of his wife (usually always in a packed bar of which NO ONE ever attempts to stop) and both are going to confession with the priest in an 'attempt' to stop the frequent beatings, rather than the wife simply just leaving the dickhead. Now, the priest rather than giving impartial friendly advice is TWATTING FURIOUS with this revelation and despite supposedly being a pillar of the community, he wants revenge. Oh and he is shagging a prostitute in his spare time just in case you didn't catch on that he is a SHIT PRIEST.
The other BIG part of the story is that the retarded one starts shagging the house painters sister (in a touching rowing boat scene) and the house painter one becomes DAMN INCENSED as it turns out he LOVES his sister, and when I say LOVE I mean wants to shag, even though in every scene you see them together he appears to absolutely HATE her being around (glad I watched this and not you?)
Anyway, the retarded one stops combing the streets for scum as he wants to stay and continue incest in peace so the other two carry the flame, however the house painter becomes very depressed with losing his sister to a retard it appears and well, that's about it to be honest.......
There is one car explosion, the trailer is every action bit contained in the film and the rest is spent talking too much and ripping off Goodfella's with an apparent £30 budget.
15 thing we've learnt from watching Sinners
1) There are always big cardboard boxes in the street for cars to drive through at high speeds
2) Only slow sinister mafia music can be played. Even during cardboard box smashing high speed chases
3) Don't worry if you are a skinny pale actor, the front of the box will make you look greased, heavily tanned and fucking ripped to the tits
4) Prostitutes enjoy being paid to foxtrot around hotel rooms naked without music
5) Girls like to be walked to the very edge of a lake, nothing else is acceptable
6) If you fall 50 foot out of a window with a rope around your neck, hang for at least 30 seconds and then get pulled up by you neck you will end up with a 'sore throat'.
7) Priests don't listen to your confessions, they are too busy thinking about prostitutes
8) Bartenders will just watch and do nothing if you so wish to kill your wife with a telephone in their bar
9) Bartenders will however happily stop crazed priests from injuring wife killers with pool cues
10) Angry mafia leaders use ceramic plates not guns to injure a protagonist
11) Mafia leaders can tie textbook nooses
12) Incest is ok in small Italian neighbourhoods of New York
13) Shooting up into the ceiling with a pistol even though a baby is heard crying from above is deemed fine
14) If you are worried how you will look from afar in a rowing boat, don't worry, you will be replaced by doubles anyway
15) If you class one of your hobbies as 'Blowing up cars' you are probably lying
3) Don't worry if you are a skinny pale actor, the front of the box will make you look greased, heavily tanned and fucking ripped to the tits
4) Prostitutes enjoy being paid to foxtrot around hotel rooms naked without music
5) Girls like to be walked to the very edge of a lake, nothing else is acceptable
6) If you fall 50 foot out of a window with a rope around your neck, hang for at least 30 seconds and then get pulled up by you neck you will end up with a 'sore throat'.
7) Priests don't listen to your confessions, they are too busy thinking about prostitutes
8) Bartenders will just watch and do nothing if you so wish to kill your wife with a telephone in their bar
9) Bartenders will however happily stop crazed priests from injuring wife killers with pool cues
10) Angry mafia leaders use ceramic plates not guns to injure a protagonist
11) Mafia leaders can tie textbook nooses
12) Incest is ok in small Italian neighbourhoods of New York
13) Shooting up into the ceiling with a pistol even though a baby is heard crying from above is deemed fine
14) If you are worried how you will look from afar in a rowing boat, don't worry, you will be replaced by doubles anyway
15) If you class one of your hobbies as 'Blowing up cars' you are probably lying
In short I still watch the trailer and wonder how this film turns out quite so bad!
2/5 (0.5 of that is for the lake scene and the confessions which are truly brilliant)
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