REVENGE

Revenge (1990) Dir - Addison Randall

Ah, it's Addison Randall, the Motzart of the B-movie director's world, the maker of the jewell of all the B-movies I've reviewed (so far), BUT, is he a one hit wonder? Or can the greasy one reproduce magic?

The one thing I can safely confirm about Mr Randall is that he fucking loves helicopters and he want us all to see them as much as possible! We are treated to, not one but two gloriusly long scenes of the pilots hands, the ground moving below and people's reactions whilst flying in a helicopter!

Ah, but in his own scripted words 'FUCK HIM', I'll let him off....

Revenge frankly is pretty damn good! It's packed with everything you want from a shit film. Gun's, muscles, bad acting and.....err, lots of Fuck him/it/off's and you's (delete as appropriate).

I laughed pretty much all the way throught out this, and paused it on numerous occasions to confirm the actor's had actually said what I'd paused it for! They usually had.

The Story in brief

Well, we follow a small shoddy company called NWI (Nathan Weapons Institute) who are developing THE mutha fucka of all secret guns, the OWESOME (It's what it says on the box) NK2! It's so good that a small rebel alliance called Strikeforce want it bloody bad and will do anything to get it, even if that means raping, torturing and killing anyone who can say NK2!

This is where we meet our hero, Jason Sheppard (Roger Rodd, who surely has done porn at some point! More than likely after this). He is a washed up piss head who turned to the bottle and playing pinball after escaping Cambodia, and according to the box was a 'hardened vietnam vet' (I didn't realise that vets were sent to war!), but apparently there is NO-ONE (Not a single man on the planet) better equipped to tackle Strikeforce than this aging alcoholic, not even the army!

SO, we fast learn it's simple to become sober, get on the wagon and to become a stud AND that our Jason is a heartfelt guy! He rescue's a kitten for FUCK'S SAKE!

However, the girl in charge of the design of the NK2, Evelyn Reed (Denise Doughty, aww bless her, she's not a looker, in fact she is awful and I found myself whincing as her tits spilled out. Much like walking in on a parent showering) is in grave danger, so Jason takes her under his wing, he also rodd's her......

Jason has a lot of friends including a BRILLIANT hacker called Wizard! He says Cowabunga! 'Nuff said.

ANYWAY Jason gets livid when his friends start being hilariously shot by Strikeforce (who include Deron 'Garrett Killing Zone' McBee) and it's time for CUNTING REVENGE!

15 Things we've learnt from watching Revenge

1) If you shoot somebody in the head it wont even make a slight mess

2) A single punch to the stomach will render any man unconcious instantly

3) If you see a gang of lads pissing about by fairly inocently pushing a girl around in the street, then steam in and kill them all really brutally! Karma will be restored

4) Ex-Vietnam Vet's wear white and silver sparkly slippers

5) If you have just slept with a girl and lie with her in your arms - but then receive a phone call only to hear your 'bit on the side' being brutally murdered, then leave immediately, but not before softening the blow of you imminent departure by handing over a kitten as a substitute

6) If shortly before discovering a relative shot dead in your bedroom, lookout for any dodgy ex-American Gladiators passing you in the hallway looky very dodgy and wearing denim

7) All computer hackers have posters of naked girls un-evenly plastered all over there bedrooms

8) It is compulsary that you remove your shirt/vest whilst raping

9) It is possible to sober up in a minute if you splash your face with water

10) You can kill 15 enemies dead by shooting a 'big' weapon directly next to them, just watch them fall

11) Make sure you kill a man before he tells you the vital information you need

12) If you are shot through the head and killed instantly you will get up and clean the blood from your walls before slumping back in your chair, ready to be discovered

13) If you want to know just how loyal a friend is, tell them to put a gun to there head and shoot themselves. Just watch the loyalty flow

14) If you leave you beer for a second at the bar, the barmaid will pick it up and start drinking it for you

15) Ex Vietnam Vet's are shit at pinball

Ok, if The Killing Zone were a proud award winning and much championed stallion then Revenge would be a small trusty yorkshire terrier (opposed to Repo Jake, which would be a critically ill cockroach).

It does have some great bits and a classic Addison Randall endinng (quick and punchy).

4/5