LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD

Leprechaun In The Hood - Dir Rob Spera (2000)

This film is rather like being raped at knife point and then finding a bin bag with £500,000 stashed inside as you slowly crawl home. You are at no point sure whether to cower naked in the corner of the shower weeping, or celebrate.

OK, the film is exactly what it says on the tin/box, but my god who would have thought a leprechaun would have had quite as much of an impact on the mean streets of Compton. Oh and there are some 'politically in-correct' limericks in the hood!

P.S - This is a 'Terror' which is like calling Pingu a 'Pyschological Thriller'.......

The Story in Brief!

Right then, Ice-T (who must look back on this as a high-point) discovers in his flairs and afro back in the 1970's that a Leprechaun has an underground hide out in Compton (how!?) and along with a friend he raids it. The place is fucking brimming with gold and a stone statue of the small man himself. However Mr Lep (Warwick Davis - Willow) has a gold chain round his neck and if removed he comes right back to life and kills people, but not before unleashing a shit rhyme and walking with weird bowed legs (which I watched more than the film itself).

Cut to 2000 if you will (though it looks far more like 1985) and Ice-T is a BIG ASS business man through the stolen gold. He owns a rap label and to be honest has become a reet proper cunt.

We follow the story of 3 'kids' (2 rap and the other one blows shit up, including PA's, which is helpful!) and frankly they can't really rap and wonder why they haven't got a deal, but one day they happen to come across Ice-T who offers them an audition for his big label. But these guys care more about rapping about the environment and otter's and not about stabbing up a bitch ho or whatever, so he tells them to fuck clean off.

Whilst in the office however they notice that Ice-T has lots of gold, and a stone statue of a Leprechaun (which I have NEVER seen on an episode of Cribs) so they plan to rob him a nick the shit to buy equipment to make it big.

They do and of course off comes the gold necklace and hello Mr Evil Lep.

However a gold flute they nick means that everytime it is blown everybody near by becomes entranced, and whatever is played is the BEST thing EVER (which is lucky for them)! People would clap even if you dropped your trousers, crouched and peeled out a length of dirty shit it seems.

Lep is LIVID and wants his flute back as does Ice-T, oh, he cannot be killed either (the lep not Ice-T), which is pointless and there are LOADS of transvestite's in this for some reason. Though it does have the best ending to a film (take note Addison Randall, who I am sure must read this! Addison?!)

Honestly watching this made me feel very strange. Firstly who thought, yeah I'll put money into this idea it sounds great AND THEN watched the final product and didn't demand there money back with interest!?

And just how many films has Coolio made a 4 second unspoken cameo in!?

10 things we've learnt from watching Leprechaun in the Hood!

1. Books about defeating Leprechauns are easily available to buy.

2. If you are 3 ripped, mega hard rappers struggling to find a crib in which to stay then just ask a MASSIVE transvestite, they will be happy to put you up.

3. Priests when presented with a bit of tits and ass will instantly stop preaching about god and go in for a kiss with tongues.

4. Being shot point black under the chin will leave about the same amount of mess as popping a medium sized spot.

5. If you are a hooker and presented with a scary looking freak Leprechaun in which to sleep with then just take it in your stride like you have seen millions of the shitters!

6. If you are undefeatble and can never be destroyed then that also means neither can your clothes.

7. If 3 gangstas break into your church then simply get them to rap about Jesus in front of a packed congregation as a punishment, what can simply go wrong....

8. Do not blow a golden flute in a church, Coolio will appear.

9. The head of the biggest rap label in the world will be a fat white man who appears to know fuck all about rap.

10. Four leaf clovers are commonly available in Compton.

Well, I do recommend this as it very very funny though not intentionally in the slightest, if you are expecting a terror then you are a stupid genre mixing twat.

Lep in the hood come to do no good!

4/5

REPO JAKE

REPO JAKE (1990) Dir - Richard Pepin and Joseph Merhi (PM)

What the? Eh? But.... Surely? What? No.....Fucking hell, No.

That, ladies and gentleman was my reaction as the credits slowly rolled.

If you file your films by genre then you may just have to develop a brand new one for this film, try - 'bad-action-chuckle brothers-bizarre-shit-racing-wank-porn-romance-shit-toss'. Or if that's too long try 'Never watch again' before slipping the disc discreetly under the wheels of an fast oncoming train.

I have no idea what was going through the producers minds whilst making this, I'm not certain they did at any point either.

This was pretty much just a COLOSSUS AND MASSIVE waste of 86 minutes of both mine and my girlfriends existence's, only improved slightly by a couple of scenes that were honestly so remarkably wank that I had a small tear in my eye, but at no point was I fully sure what emotion had truly brought it on.

The story in brief

Well, if you take a look at the front of the box you'll see our 'hero' Jake Baxter (Dan Haggerty) brandishing a double gauge shotgun and looking mighty moody. At NO fucking point does he even pick up a cunting gun, or anything remotely dangerous apart from a saucepan in a touching and shitting pointless soup eating scene! The film also has an 18 rating, which honestly is the most ridiculous thing ever, this could of easily been a 12 apart from a pointless 'greasy tits and ass' scene and a predictable b-movie shag up.

If you look at the back of the box you are promised crime lords, action, explosions, lethal car races and a scene index....None of these things actually exist.

Jake is a fat, bearded redneck fellow who has moved to California because he owes money for some reason, I dunno. Anyway he ends up a repo man and has to work with some right proper dicks apart from the 'house' rapper Jam who is brilliant (and the only reason I would ever watch this again), especially at the very end, if you can get that far!

Jake basically does nothing but repossess cars in stupid ways, including a beautiful scene where he rides on the front of a car for AAAAAAGES!

ANYWAY!

There is some car race or other that Jake enters and has to win because he needs the $75k prize money to move back home. He has a gang on his back, he falls for a girl that he meets once and.......

Ah fuck it....

It's shit. Capital S....

It has the worst soundtrack I have ever heard in any film, it has comedy that would be outright rejected by a kids TV producer for being WAY too cheesy and some absolutely amazingly pointless scenes - none more so than when we watch Jake shirt shopping......REALLY.

This film has a really big cult status according to IMDB, and I can only imagine it's because it SO bad it has to be seen for that reason.

I'd love more people to see this for how shit it is, but I do not want to be present when they watch it!

10 (and no more) things we've learnt from enduring Repo Jake

1) If you are big bad boy rapper then the music you will produce will be background porn music, obviously

2) If you are fat old bearded ugly man and you want to find a girl much younger and far too pretty for you. then rescue her hand bag from a really bad thief and wahay, instant love....

3) If you feel like chucking someone through a window and into a building but then once in there want to chuck them back out, then don't worry, the glass will re-spawn for you

4) It is possible to learn to fly a helicopter in only 2 minutes

5) You can walk straight into a high paying job if you move cities, no problem

6) If someone comes to repossess your car, simply drive straight at them, allow them to hold onto your bonnet whilst you skid about a car park for 5 minutes and then get out walk straight past and allow them to drive off with your car

7) If your girlfriend goes to get you a beer but is gone for all of one minute then she has more than likely been captured by an evil gang and is weeping with a noose around her neck and a pistol to her temple. Go and check

8) People you have worked with for about a week will gladly put there lives in danger for you if it comes to it

9) If you are attacked by a massive fat skinhead hard bastard with a crowbar then simply crouch in front of him and grab his balls, he will be rendered disabled

10) If you find yourself being invited to a 'Very Lethal Car Race' do not get excited, it's simply code for a 'really shit banger-car race'

This is the very worst film I have ever seen. FACT.

It made Sinners look like a Golden Globe winner, and a unsatisfactory turd in a shallow bowl feel like an Oscar winning all-time classic.

0.5/5 (and 0.4 is for Jam)

REVENGE

Revenge (1990) Dir - Addison Randall

Ah, it's Addison Randall, the Motzart of the B-movie director's world, the maker of the jewell of all the B-movies I've reviewed (so far), BUT, is he a one hit wonder? Or can the greasy one reproduce magic?

The one thing I can safely confirm about Mr Randall is that he fucking loves helicopters and he want us all to see them as much as possible! We are treated to, not one but two gloriusly long scenes of the pilots hands, the ground moving below and people's reactions whilst flying in a helicopter!

Ah, but in his own scripted words 'FUCK HIM', I'll let him off....

Revenge frankly is pretty damn good! It's packed with everything you want from a shit film. Gun's, muscles, bad acting and.....err, lots of Fuck him/it/off's and you's (delete as appropriate).

I laughed pretty much all the way throught out this, and paused it on numerous occasions to confirm the actor's had actually said what I'd paused it for! They usually had.

The Story in brief

Well, we follow a small shoddy company called NWI (Nathan Weapons Institute) who are developing THE mutha fucka of all secret guns, the OWESOME (It's what it says on the box) NK2! It's so good that a small rebel alliance called Strikeforce want it bloody bad and will do anything to get it, even if that means raping, torturing and killing anyone who can say NK2!

This is where we meet our hero, Jason Sheppard (Roger Rodd, who surely has done porn at some point! More than likely after this). He is a washed up piss head who turned to the bottle and playing pinball after escaping Cambodia, and according to the box was a 'hardened vietnam vet' (I didn't realise that vets were sent to war!), but apparently there is NO-ONE (Not a single man on the planet) better equipped to tackle Strikeforce than this aging alcoholic, not even the army!

SO, we fast learn it's simple to become sober, get on the wagon and to become a stud AND that our Jason is a heartfelt guy! He rescue's a kitten for FUCK'S SAKE!

However, the girl in charge of the design of the NK2, Evelyn Reed (Denise Doughty, aww bless her, she's not a looker, in fact she is awful and I found myself whincing as her tits spilled out. Much like walking in on a parent showering) is in grave danger, so Jason takes her under his wing, he also rodd's her......

Jason has a lot of friends including a BRILLIANT hacker called Wizard! He says Cowabunga! 'Nuff said.

ANYWAY Jason gets livid when his friends start being hilariously shot by Strikeforce (who include Deron 'Garrett Killing Zone' McBee) and it's time for CUNTING REVENGE!

15 Things we've learnt from watching Revenge

1) If you shoot somebody in the head it wont even make a slight mess

2) A single punch to the stomach will render any man unconcious instantly

3) If you see a gang of lads pissing about by fairly inocently pushing a girl around in the street, then steam in and kill them all really brutally! Karma will be restored

4) Ex-Vietnam Vet's wear white and silver sparkly slippers

5) If you have just slept with a girl and lie with her in your arms - but then receive a phone call only to hear your 'bit on the side' being brutally murdered, then leave immediately, but not before softening the blow of you imminent departure by handing over a kitten as a substitute

6) If shortly before discovering a relative shot dead in your bedroom, lookout for any dodgy ex-American Gladiators passing you in the hallway looky very dodgy and wearing denim

7) All computer hackers have posters of naked girls un-evenly plastered all over there bedrooms

8) It is compulsary that you remove your shirt/vest whilst raping

9) It is possible to sober up in a minute if you splash your face with water

10) You can kill 15 enemies dead by shooting a 'big' weapon directly next to them, just watch them fall

11) Make sure you kill a man before he tells you the vital information you need

12) If you are shot through the head and killed instantly you will get up and clean the blood from your walls before slumping back in your chair, ready to be discovered

13) If you want to know just how loyal a friend is, tell them to put a gun to there head and shoot themselves. Just watch the loyalty flow

14) If you leave you beer for a second at the bar, the barmaid will pick it up and start drinking it for you

15) Ex Vietnam Vet's are shit at pinball

Ok, if The Killing Zone were a proud award winning and much championed stallion then Revenge would be a small trusty yorkshire terrier (opposed to Repo Jake, which would be a critically ill cockroach).

It does have some great bits and a classic Addison Randall endinng (quick and punchy).

4/5

UNDEFEATABLE

Undefeatable (1993) Dir - Godfrey Ho









Dear Godfrey,

I can see what you were trying to do with this film, just try getting some people who can act next time eh?


Yours sincerely,

Daz.


The story in brief

Undefeatable actually has a slightly exciting and plausible plot, you can feel it like braille somewhere between the fucking wank acting. And for the second film running there is more than a slight underlying feel of incest! (what is it with B-Movie's and people thinking about or actually sexing up a relative?)


It follows street fighter extraordinaire Kristi Jones (Cynthia Rothrock - who bless her ginger soul can act, and frankly is the only one) She fights for a gang and fights for a bank roll to keep her sister in college as well as working in a coffee shop, of course. But to be honest must spend most of her time changing her hairstyle. Her sister HATES her fighting for a 'living' and cannot act for sweet shit, but she means bloody well so that's OK.


MEANWHILE, we follow Stingray (Don Niam) who is a right cunt shard. He, as we find out really likes steak, rape, fighting to the death, shaking uncontrollably and gouging people eyes clean out of their sockets, oh and did I mention he thinks his poor wife is his mum......hmmmm......


His wife (understandably) has had clean enough of being called mummy and being raped so she leaves him (but just to reiterate, wouldn't have done so unless her shrink told her 'she can do better than him') Thus sending Stingray on a killing spree! (But not before spraying two stripes of red hair dye into his frankly stunning mullet. Without doing this he might just have accepted the split and moved on) He's bloody killing any lady who is wearing a flowery dress, remotely resembles his wife, and it seems apparent after the fourth women killed, has a Chinese boyfriend.


ANYWAY! The town's only two cops, who oddly look identical have a soft spot for our dear Kristi and look out for her through thick and thin. SO when Kristi's sister is one of the girls killed via removed eyes and a sore bruised neck by mental bastard Stingray, Kristi now has the VENDETTA needed to tie this damn plot together! Oh and the shrink seems to know just about everyone on the planet and frankly can solve the case really quickly, OH and also, did I mention? One of the cops is a martial arts expert as well. Glad that's cleared up!


It's fight to the death! DEATH! DEATTTTHHHH!


I'll be honest, after watching Sinners, staring a unsatisfactory turd at the bottom of a shallow bowl would have gained a higher mark, but to be honest I quite enjoyed it. It had some hilariously bad acting (the worst I have probably ever seen), far too much slow motion, awful music and the BEST/WORST ending fight scene ever with the best cheesy double liner, but it was one of those films that you actually get into (No Retreat No Surrender style). Its just LOTS of fighting and leather!



15 Things we've learnt from watching Undefeatble


1) It is possible to enrol somebody else onto a college course to start on Monday, no questions asked. Not even what course they want to do. Obviously no UCAS

2) The only two cops in the city don't ever feel the need to wear uniform, or in fact drive a police car

3) It becomes apparent that Policemen don't know the difference between a coat and an actual person

4) It is possible for one weedy cop to arrest 10 gang members simply by shouting 'you're all under arrest' and shooting a gun upwards, twice

5) If you are going to steam into a fight with a man brandishing a sharp knife try using a towel, works a charm

6) Police will allow you to follow them to any raid, as well as telling you any confidential information you require for a personal vendetta, like the killers home address

7) The Police also do not need to be told any address, they will happily turn up at the right place, just at the right time

8) Coroners have no heart at all, they will leave you hysterically weeping over your eyeless relatives for at least a minute before putting the cloth back over

9) Chinese men only date girls who wear flowery dresses

10) Mullet's grow much quicker than ordinary hairstyles

11) If you want to keep eyeballs fresh, try the fish tank

12) If you are a professional shrink, learn more about a patients mother and wife, you may have pretend to be them in a high octane hostage situation

13) Police can tell if somebody is dead just by crouching next them for 3 seconds

14) Do not go near any disused factories, they contain a martial arts expert and lots of people who cannot clap in time

15) If you are thinking of a bad guy fighting nickname for your gangland money making scheme don't use Honey Bear, it has already been taken


Not the worst B-Movie I have seen, but like looking up to a more intelligent and successful older brother it's also 'No Killing Zone'.

3/5

SINNERS

Sinners (1990) Dir - Charles T Kanganis

After seeing the frankly brilliant action filled trailer for this on You Tube I straight away perused Amazon and found a video (Yes, VHS) copy and bought in the exact same breath.
Surely this was the next Killing Zone! A 'CAC' (Classic Accidental Comedy). I MEAN LOOK AT THE BOX FOR SHITS SAKE! ITS A TOPLESS RIPPED PRIEST, WITH A PUMP ACTION SHOTGUN! AND A LINGERIE CLAD LADY LAY SEDUCTIVELY BY A BURNING CHURCH WINDOW! Nothing could make the box better......NOTHING.
I waited excitedly by the letter box like an excited puppy!

In truth, the front of the box is better than the film.
The back promises - Shotguns, 357 Magnum's and Car explosions. What it should have said is - INCEST, WIFE BEATING AND BOAT TRIPS.

The story in brief (I think?) goes like this -
3 Men with shit Italian accents living in a small Italian neighbourhood in New York, All related in some way - One is a bad priest, one a house painter (and the gang leader) and the other is the cousin of the house painter and as far as I could tell 'a bit retarded' and constantly bullied by his always topless greasy mental wife!
All of them are vigilante's (Yes, even the bloody priest) attempting to rid the street of scum in any way, apart from killing the baddies, as that is INHUMANE.
the first BIG part of the story, which drags for absolutely fucking ages is that Joey Travolta (Yes, John's brother) is beating the shit out of his wife (usually always in a packed bar of which NO ONE ever attempts to stop) and both are going to confession with the priest in an 'attempt' to stop the frequent beatings, rather than the wife simply just leaving the dickhead. Now, the priest rather than giving impartial friendly advice is TWATTING FURIOUS with this revelation and despite supposedly being a pillar of the community, he wants revenge. Oh and he is shagging a prostitute in his spare time just in case you didn't catch on that he is a SHIT PRIEST.
The other BIG part of the story is that the retarded one starts shagging the house painters sister (in a touching rowing boat scene) and the house painter one becomes DAMN INCENSED as it turns out he LOVES his sister, and when I say LOVE I mean wants to shag, even though in every scene you see them together he appears to absolutely HATE her being around (glad I watched this and not you?)
Anyway, the retarded one stops combing the streets for scum as he wants to stay and continue incest in peace so the other two carry the flame, however the house painter becomes very depressed with losing his sister to a retard it appears and well, that's about it to be honest.......
There is one car explosion, the trailer is every action bit contained in the film and the rest is spent talking too much and ripping off Goodfella's with an apparent £30 budget.

15 thing we've learnt from watching Sinners

1) There are always big cardboard boxes in the street for cars to drive through at high speeds

2) Only slow sinister mafia music can be played. Even during cardboard box smashing high speed chases
3) Don't worry if you are a skinny pale actor, the front of the box will make you look greased, heavily tanned and fucking ripped to the tits
4) Prostitutes enjoy being paid to foxtrot around hotel rooms naked without music
5) Girls like to be walked to the very edge of a lake, nothing else is acceptable
6) If you fall 50 foot out of a window with a rope around your neck, hang for at least 30 seconds and then get pulled up by you neck you will end up with a 'sore throat'.
7) Priests don't listen to your confessions, they are too busy thinking about prostitutes
8) Bartenders will just watch and do nothing if you so wish to kill your wife with a telephone in their bar
9) Bartenders will however happily stop crazed priests from injuring wife killers with pool cues
10) Angry mafia leaders use ceramic plates not guns to injure a protagonist
11) Mafia leaders can tie textbook nooses
12) Incest is ok in small Italian neighbourhoods of New York
13) Shooting up into the ceiling with a pistol even though a baby is heard crying from above is deemed fine
14) If you are worried how you will look from afar in a rowing boat, don't worry, you will be replaced by doubles anyway
15) If you class one of your hobbies as 'Blowing up cars' you are probably lying

In short I still watch the trailer and wonder how this film turns out quite so bad!

2/5 (0.5 of that is for the lake scene and the confessions which are truly brilliant)

THE KILLING ZONE

1) The Killing Zone (1991) Dir - Addison Randall



I seriously do not know where to begin with this film, other than mentioning that it is in fact one of the best b-movie's ever crafted (in my opinion)!
I have seen this film about 20 times and every time I almost laugh my chin clean off my face.

The story briefly goes as follows -
Garrett Bodine (Deron McBee - Ex American Gladiator, owner of ridiculous jaw line and massive pecs) is put behind bars for, as we learn 'chinning a cowboy, who got up in his face'. Along with his Uncle Sam (Armando Silvestre - Magnum P.I look-alike) they both PASSIONATELY HATE Mexican druglord and all round legend Carmen Vasquez (James Dalesandro - Cheeky Mexican Scamp who swears by his mothers eyes - twice) The reason for the hate? Vasquez cost Sam his legs and his Creer (Career)......
Garrett appears to scrape sand with a spade and fight for a day job whilst inside, he also has a lot of friends who wear stonewashed denim, have small torso's and incredibly flat tops to there heads.
Uncle Sam owns a bar with his lovely wife Jenny (Sydne Squire - Who says, 'you heard what Sam said' alot). The bar appears to be a local strip joint and darts venue with camera's pointing between punters legs at all times. Garrett's girlfriend Tracy (Melissa Moore - Blonde, large mammaries) works as a barmaid at the pub and she's desperate for a reunion with the great mulletted one!
Anyway, Carmen's younger bro Pablo is killed behind bars (a paid hit?) and Carmen takes an emotional phone call before briefly sleeping......
HE'S BLOODY LIVID and calls for the chopper, he wants revenge on his brothers callous killers and crosses the border in a frankly pretty drawn out helicopter scene (I believe I now know how to fly one after watching)...
Word gets out about Carmen's imminent return and it's left in the hands of the best DEA agent around, Jack Slade (Charles K Sullivan - Just brilliant) to pop him on the merry-go-round and to say 'fuck him' quite a lot!
Slade gets Garrett out of jail early and tells him to get Vasquez before he gets them.....OH, and there are no laws and there are no rules!


I won't give away anymore as I believe everyone should watch it and enjoy the twist, the superb acting and the bit where Garrett pull his sunglasses down whilst revealing a smirk over a cheeky 80's lick after beating the shit out of 5 pissed guys.
Oh and for 'that end'.

Shit Facts -

1) Director Addison Randall gets in on the action in two scenes, only to die twice!
2) The American release of TKZ chose to put the following names on the front cover - Deron McBee (understandable - Main star), Wally K Berns (Drunk guy, in it for about 3 minutes and did nothing else after The Killing Zone) and Michael Easten (Plays small part - 'Gopher'). The main cast avoided the front.
3) Charles K Sullivan (Slade) sadly never acted again. One can only imagine it may be down to his poor telephone skills.....

25 Things we've learnt from watching The Killing Zone!


1) Massively muscular-ripped men cannot pull up 12 stone men using only a rope.

2) Falling hundreds of feet off a cliff will leave you with a 'bad knee' and nothing more

3) Mexican drug lords like porcelain cats

4) Never fly high and in a straight line in a helicopter when you can fly 2 foot from the mountain tops whilst swaying from side to side.

5) Black men can only say 'Oh Shit!'.

6) Never ever say 'it's a long way down!' through an open window

7) People can lay dead in the street for up to 2 days before being discovered by a black man who then says....you guessed it, Oh shit.

8) 2 Pigeons can make the sound of a hundred if they put there mind to it

9) Prison wardens will not question you bundling a prisoner into the back a car and escaping with them if you pass them a folded bit of yellow paper

10) It is possible to start a chant and then sit down and talk at the same time, leaving your chanting voice still going strong somewhere in the background

11) Massive muscular guys will collapse embarrassingly if they have a beer and a shooter in quick succession.

12) Chimney sweeps appear to work as hotel receptionists in their spare time

13) Prison Wardens will happily catch grenade's and looked confused before exploding if you throw one at them

14) If you fire a machine gun into a completely empty room, a dead body will appear slumped over a chair, guaranteed

15) Do you have a blue van? If so, try parking it in a car park and you will see that upon your return it will have moved for you, to aid a quick escape.

16) Never ever get into a car and start the engine if sinister strings are playing in the background

17) If you are stood by a freshly blown up car, check behind you for any dodgy looking moustached Mexicans walking away

18) All drug lords go with there henchmen in a non conspicuous limos to buy small amounts of cocaine in freshly ironed white suits

19) If you are being hunted by a man with a machine gun through a desert ALWAYS go to high ground, you are bound not to be seen from afar!

20) If you are a henchmen and feel like being naughty, don't worry, you will at least get to have a sword fight with your boss in front of an audience if you get caught

21) If you fall from a motorbike, even at a slow speed, you will die instantly on impact

22) ALL gangsta's stand by burning bins listening to hip hop and dancing

23) It appears bad guys burst into a bars and frankly just enjoy shooting at the glasses behind it

24) It is perfectly fine to fit a bomb to a policeman's car in broad day light in the car park of a police station....No questions asked, just stand near by and wait

25) And most importantly, if you get the opportunity to kill an intergral person, shoot them in the chest NOT the head!


This is the best B-Movie I have seen and I have seen alot!
'Just back off slade!'
5/5

I would like to thank Jo De Lancey and Dave May for introducing me to this classic!